Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Journal Entries

 
1970s

high school is so stupid it sucks it's dumb
taking classes at Portland State.
I got to work with will vinton on a no nukes project!
all I want to do is read books I guess that makes me lazy
I can't believe I have the cutest little baby.
Josh started walking today!
taking classes at mt hood community college
I'm a stagehand! Am I lucky or what?
Josh is doing pretty good at his preschool now he doesn't cry when I leave anymore.
made $800 working the opera!
fixed Josh's bedroom up - no more crib, he's a big boy now!
Got my tax refund today and Josh and I went out to dinner to celebrate!
everything is perfect except I don't have a boyfriend but I don't want one and I wish everybody else wouldn't care about it so much like I'm a freak or something.
Josh and I went to the beach all by ourselves!
sometimes I'm so lonely it makes my stomach hurt but Josh is a really good boy.


1980s

he's really nice to Josh he calls him the little boy.
I feel so bad for him he finally told me what was bothering him it's because he can't have kids! He had a horrible accident on a job and all these chemicals spilled on him!
I don't know what happened but I'm pregnant.
Josh is going to have a little brother or sister.
I'm getting married. Everything will probably be just fine.
slept at Normandale Park.
I got laid off but it's ok for now because the baby's due in two weeks and he thinks he'll find some work anyway, he's been looking for a year now!
Chris is born!
everything's going to be alright, he's just like that on
sundays I finally figured that out! it's because of his childhood.
taking classes at portland community college.
Sold my guitar today but everything will be okay once he finds a job.
my dad gave him a job so I hope it works out.
slept at Wilshire Park.
I feel so bad for him he finally told me what was bothering him it's because I have so many friends and he doesn't have any!
I'm moving to the mountains!
I hate leaving Portland but he says the city is what's making him crazy all the time and he's more used to the country so I have to try at least.
Got my first real writer job and it pays too!
Josh started baseball today!
I don't know how I'm going to make the rent now, he got laid off today.
the baby is so sick it's been months and months
chris has pnemonia again and that's the seventh time this year.
when I got up I found him out in the garage smoking pot like we have money for that and I can't believe he even smokes pot anyway. he was jacking off too.
he says he thinks he's getting it together and he's found a guy to work with that understands him and now he can build us a house.
this friend of his named Duncan showed up and I guess he's going to live with us in the camper outside but it's just one more thing. He's a writer.
now he wants to move again because he says that's why he can't find enough work because of the nepotism here.
Chris hasn't been sick for three months!
came home from the grocery store and josh was by himself and he said he'd taken chris so he could have some quality time with his real son.
I feel so bad for him he finally told me what was
bothering him it's because he feels left out! He had a horrible childhood and all these toxic memories makes him scared and anxious!
I really don't think I'm that bad of a mother, I think I can be a writer too because there's other women that have done it.
went and saw Steve Earle and the Dukes. I think there might be hope after all, I won't be this sad forever.
Chris learned to ride a bike! He's the nicest boy.
slept at geiser pollman park
Both boys are in school, yeah! Now I can really be a writer!


1990s


I can't believe it I got a story published!
I love being a student! GO DUCKS!
he sold the maytags my parents bought me, says he's going to be a painter for real and nobody and no job's going to stop him.
4.0 GPA!
My life is so perfect I got in Ralph Salisbury's creative writing class
Student housing! At least I can afford to finish school now though.
Student housing is cheap but it's wearing me out trying to keep him quiet all the time and not make a scene.
Got a 4.0 AGAIN!
Maybe I'm crazy but I swear I saw him down the hallway from my classroom but why would he be there.
Josh got his driver's license!
Finally graduated from college, finally!
he yelled and yelled all night so I said I wouldn't go to graduate school after all to shut him up.
I don't think he's even trying to find a job.
I guess he's right, I'm not really cut out for motherhood.
Goose Creek Nursery is officially open for business!
he said the only reason I'm so suspicious of him is because I must be doing it myself.
now he says we should just give the house over to the bank because it's too much pressure and he's moving back to Eugene.
well, he left.
I don't know how I'm going to keep managing this by myself, he just wants me to give up the house so he won't help with the bills so that I'll be forced to.
well, he went to jail so maybe that's a wakeup call.
So sad. My boy's going to boot camp tomorrow.
now he's moving again. to boise.
Josh is getting married.
last night he showed up late and said he's taking chris with him to boise because chris needs to help him finish a job but chris needs to be in school.
Gave Lucy away so I guess I'm really leaving now. I don't think I've ever been more sad but I'm sure I have.
I finally went over to boise because chris can't live like that they're in a camper and it's freezing and chris shot a nail in his foot and hasn't been to the doctor yet.
I got over $3,000 so far selling my stuff but it's not bad because I have to get him and chris a place to live at least and chris needs a warmer coat.
well, we left. Chris said that was it, he couldn't take it anymore.
Southern California rocks. I'm going to live here forever!
got home to an empty house; everything's gone, everything! I wonder if he has it in storage somewhere and I can still get it back?
Got back here and all the pipes are broken and the front door was wide open and even the refrigerator is gone.
got Goose Creek opened back up. It's on an honor system though while I'm at work at Texaco; customers just have to serve themselves and leave checks in the mailbox!
Pumping gas at Texaco but at least I'll save the house.

2000s

going through stuff in the basement I found four birthday cards from my parents and a letter I wrote to Erin that I guess he took out of the mailbox.
he's suing me for child support.
why am I doing this? even if I get this house fixed back up enough to sell, he's right, I should have let the bank have it.
took Tasha up to the lake after work to cool off. I didn't start crying until I remembered Chris having his birthday party up there.
my divorce is finally final.
Chris finally called! He doesn't sound mad anymore!
forgot to unplug the phone last night and naturally it rang and naturally no one was there. I'm exhausted.
Got a grant to teach guitar at the junior high after school so that helps a little bit.
got a letter, he says, how will you resolve this, abandoning your child who at least now knows the truth about his mother.
I really wish I could have just stayed in California.
9-11-01 where's josh? okinawa? where's josh?
Got another story published!
I'm the proud owner of a Gibson J45 guitar.
He called and said he'll give me one more chance to salvage my relationship with Chris or else he'll make sure Chris knows the truth about me.
he said I'm nuts to not have left him sooner.
Josh is getting out of the marines early and coming home because his knee is messed up. Thank God he doesn't have to go to Afghanistan.
Chris is getting married.

2004

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